Executive Coaching – Conflicts and disagreements are a natural part of the workplace. While they can feel deeply personal, focusing our attention on the faults of others, we often play our own role in their escalation. As this coaching story reveals, conflicts are not just interpersonal; they can also be systemic, almost as if they were a separate ‘third entity.’ By shifting our perspective and learning to navigate conflicts, rather than forcefully trying to ‘solve’ them, we create space for growth and understanding.
“These local lords are impossible to work with! Especially the regional head of our largest market—he drives me insane. Honestly, he’s an idiot!” John, the head of central IT, began our session in a state of agitation.
“In almost every meeting, he sparks yet another pointless debate because he refuses to use our central IT system. Instead, he keeps pushing for some ridiculous local solution. Last time, I really let him have it—tore into him properly—and thought that would shut things down. But no, now he’s even badmouthing me to my boss and turning other colleagues against me. I can’t go a day without a fresh attack. He’s become my biggest enemy!”
“It sounds like you’ve gotten yourself tangled up in a serious conflict,” I observed.
“What do you mean ‘tangled up’? I don’t even want this conflict! But that idiot keeps stirring the pot, questioning decisions we made ages ago. It can’t go on like this—it needs to be resolved, once and for all.”
“Well,” I said cautiously, “if resolving it is even possible.”
Why Do Conflicts Exist in Organizations?
Conflicts often carry a bad reputation. They’re seen as negative and destructive—something to be avoided at all costs. The common advice is to communicate better, or more often, and the conflict will simply dissolve. Or to look for a win-win solution, and the problem will magically disappear.
But is it even possible to resolve conflicts entirely?
Organizations constantly face decisions between alternatives that cannot coexist: Should we centralize IT systems, or allow each department to operate independently? Do we prioritize quality or cost leadership? Sometimes, the challenge is even deciding how to frame the choice: Are we balancing quality versus costs, or quality versus time to market? Even the question of who gets to decide must itself be decided—through hierarchies, organizational charts, and accountability structures.
The reality is that both alternatives cannot be achieved simultaneously. You cannot centralize and decentralize at the same time. Every decision inherently means choosing for one option and against another.
And decisions are never permanent. As conditions change—whether through new competition, shifting customer demands, or updated regulations—prior decisions must be revisited and renegotiated. In a dynamic world, these conditions are constantly shifting, meaning organizations are constantly renegotiating decisions. In this sense, you could say organizations are organized conflict.
Conflicts cannot be solved—but their dynamics can be productively managed
Conflicts, therefore, are not something to be permanently eliminated. Instead, the key is to regulate their energy and dynamics in ways that serve the organization’s goals productively.
“Have you ever interacted with your colleague outside of work? Is he the same there?” I asked.
“I actually ran into him recently at a city festival. We chatted briefly, and to be honest, he seemed pretty likable.”
“Ah, so as long as you’re not sitting in the same meeting room, you seem to get along?”
“Yes, exactly. We’re both members of the same tennis club. We don’t usually play together, but a few weeks ago, during a friendly match against the neighboring club, we ended up partnering in doubles. It went surprisingly well—we were a real team, setting each other up for perfect shots. It’s crazy because at work, we’re at each other’s throats almost immediately.”
Who Has the Conflict?
As “private individuals”, we often have ways to avoid conflicts. We can surround ourselves with people who share similar goals or adapt our own desires flexibly. For instance, we might postpone a need: “Okay, next time, we’ll do it my way,” or set it aside altogether: “It’s not that important, anyway.”
In professional roles, however, this flexibility disappears. Roles come with attached interests, duties, and pressures that are non-negotiable. A father, for example, cannot idly stand by if his child is attacked by an adult. A cashier cannot look the other way when a customer refuses to pay. A procurement manager must reject a colleague’s request for costly features on a new product if the budget is to remain under control.
In organizations, we are continually “trapped” in roles. These roles inevitably produce diverging goals for the various alternatives organizations must consider. For example:
- Sales needs flexibility to respond to opportunities. Production demands stability and predictability.
- Controlling pushes for centralization to maximize synergy and efficiency. Local markets require autonomy to adapt to regional conditions.
Most conflicts in organizations aren’t personal
What appears to be a conflict between individuals is often not personal at all. Instead, it emerges because individuals represent competing roles and are required to follow organizational interests that are structurally at odds with each other.
“So, you’re saying that it’s not me who has the conflict with my colleague, but rather that the roles—Head of IT and Regional Market Leader—are in conflict?” John asked.
“Exactly. You can see this clearly when the people behind the roles get along well in other contexts—contexts where their roles don’t matter. Like you and your colleague: you get along fine at the city festival and in the tennis club.”
“Hmm, but my predecessor also had constant conflicts with him, and those two didn’t get along outside of work either,” John countered.
“That’s actually further evidence that the conflict is tied to the role itself. Your predecessor had the same conflict, and when you stepped into the role of Head of IT, the conflict remained. You can change the people, but the roles remain in conflict.”
“That does make sense,” John concluded. “But these constant disruptions from my colleague keep me from doing my actual job. We could be so much more efficient if we weren’t endlessly rehashing fundamental decisions and revisiting old issues.”
“Perhaps the conflict serves an important purpose,” I suggested.
“What possible purpose could it serve? It’s just an unnecessary argument. We’d be far better off without it!”
What Does the Conflict Want?
One key function of conflict (amongst others) is to bring to the surface what lies hidden beneath. Only then can those underlying issues be addressed.
In this way, conflicts act as a warning light in the control room of management—signaling that the current organizational order no longer fits.
If the warning light is ignored, suppressed, or dismissed, the underlying problem doesn’t disappear. Instead, the conflict becomes invisible, but the organization may pay a steep price: a loss of flexibility, an inability to adapt to changing market conditions, or declining innovation. (The “old” automotive industry in many Western countries offers a vivid example of this struggle today.)
If the value of conflict is denied, it can only be seen as a disturbance
Conflicts, therefore, are not inherently useless or destructive. They also! highlight misalignments that demand attention and create opportunities for growth and adaptation.
“So, does that mean we should always bring every conflict to the surface and discuss it?”
“No, not always. The opportunity is that a conflict can lead to the establishment of a new evolutionary order—for a certain period of time. The risk is that the conflict may consume too many resources. That’s why it’s essential to carefully assess: How does it help? How does it harm?”
“I suppose it would be useful if I took a closer look at this conflict. It’s been dragging on forever. But unfortunately, I just can’t.”
“Why not?” I asked, already suspecting his answer.
“Just thinking about the issue makes me furious. I feel like I could explode, and I can’t control myself at all. How am I supposed to find any value in this conflict?”
“By getting to know your conflict personality,” I replied.
How the Conflict Uses Its Participants to Survive
We often sense when a situation is about to escalate into a conflict. Tension rises, and we instinctively anticipate that nothing good will come from the other side. At that point, the other party is no longer just a colleague or partner—they become “the other side,” an opponent. We brace ourselves for our needs or ideas to be rejected. With every word exchanged, both sides feel increasingly misunderstood and start fighting to prove they “want the right thing.” The conflict then stabilizes because each side expects opposition and prepares for it.
Conflicts bring out our conflict personality—our individual ways of dealing with rejection, opposition, or disapproval. We might respond with withdrawal, stubbornness, silence, or aggression. Often, these reactions become part of the conflict communication itself: “You’re always yelling!”—“I’m not yelling at all!”
The ability to self-regulate and stay engaged with others—even when our views are rejected—is essential for managing (not solving!) conflicts productively.
When people argue that conflicts should be resolved or avoided as quickly as possible, what they often mean—on closer inspection—is that they want to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings the conflict triggers, not the conflict itself.
Room for conflict regulation emerges when we can separate the conflict from our uncomfortable emotions
Once we understand this distinction—that it’s not the conflict itself but our emotional discomfort we’re trying to escape—we gain more room: room for the conflict, and room for ourselves.
“Ha! If only it were that easy not to be influenced by your own emotions. I’ve already been labeled a choleric!” John laughed bitterly.
“Yes, it’s not always easy. When others contradict our views, it can often feel like our identity is under attack. It’s no longer just about our interests—suddenly, it feels like a rejection of us as individuals or as a group.”
“When it comes to our team I can see the difference more clearly. Our role is to harmonize the IT landscape and make it more efficient. Not everyone likes that, but it’s not about us as people; it’s about the work we do.”
“Right, in such cases, it’s a little easier to maintain distance from the conflict because it doesn’t feel as personal.
However, the issue here seems more organizational: the goals set for your department—achieving cost efficiency through standardization—are in direct opposition to the markets’ goals of remaining flexible and responsive to customer demands. One way to ease the conflict could be to redefine these opposing goals in a way that provides both you and the markets with more freedom in how you achieve them.”
“Yes, you’re right. That tension seems to lie at the heart of the conflict, and it’s something that affects many other areas as well.
But how can I actually learn to handle conflicts better?”
“Well, that’s something we can explore further in coaching. A good place to start might be to figure out exactly how you bring out this ‘choleric’ side of yourself.”
Over the course of several coaching sessions, we explored how John’s underlying feelings of inadequacy triggered his conflict personality. Once he recognized this dynamic and stopped letting it influence him so strongly, he became calmer in conflicts and was able to regulate his responses depending on the situation.
With his colleague, John found common ground, and together they developed a plan for a market-oriented realignment of the IT strategy, which was approved by the board. The two now rarely clash. However, a new conflict has emerged with internal auditing, which views the new structure as too complex and lacking in transparency.
All coaching stories are real but have been altered to ensure confidentiality
and prevent any identification of my clients.
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