Life-Topic-Coaching – Why is it so difficult to follow through on something we’ve set out to do? Even though we genuinely want it, we keep falling back into old behavior patterns. But why does this happen, and what underlying Life Topic might be at play?
Vincent, a lawyer in his early forties with a commanding presence, rushed into the coaching room. Without a greeting, he launched into his story:
“You’ve got to help me—it’s urgent. I need to calm down, and fast.”
“Well,” I said, gesturing to the chair, “why don’t we start here? Take a seat and make yourself comfortable.”
“If only it were that simple,” he replied, dropping into the armchair and immediately continuing:
“Six months ago, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. My doctor says if I don’t start living healthier, I’m heading straight for burnout—or worse, a heart attack. But I have no idea how to relax. It’s like a foreign concept to me.”
“I can see that,” I responded lightly, attempting to break the tension. But my comment didn’t register with him.
“You have to understand,” he went on, “I’ve always pushed myself to the limit. I was the first in my circle of friends to land a management position. By 30, I was already a partner at my law firm. Soon after, I built a new office branch, which has since become the most successful in the company. I’ve rarely taken vacations, and when I did, it was for professional development. I just completed an MBA on the side, for instance.”
“Seems like you’ve been living life in the fast lane,” I summarized.
“Exactly! And that’s why I’m more successful than others,” he said, pride evident in his voice.
“Yes,” I replied, “but it sounds like you’ve never learned how to step out of that fast lane and actually enjoy life.”
Life Exists Between Polarities
Everything in the world operates between two poles and needs them to stay in balance. This is the principle of polarity. In fact, much of our lives is based on the interplay of opposites: there’s no day without night, ebb without flow or life without death.
While these contrasts are easy to observe in the outside world, we often struggle to recognize the same dynamic within ourselves. Yet, we, too, are governed by polarities:
- Acting independently while allowing dependence.
- Helping others while being open to receiving help.
- Speaking and remaining silent.
- Being active and resting.
- Striving for perfection and accepting imperfection.
- Rushing when necessary and slowing down when it’s not.
- Demonstrating strength and admitting vulnerability.
Both parts together form a unity that cannot exist or be conceived without the other: no one can imagine light without also including darkness, and no one can tense without also releasing.
A hallmark of this polar unity is that both aspects are equally valuable and necessary. They complement one another rather than conflict. One cannot eliminate one pole without harming the other – or the whole. Importantly, the better we are at embracing both poles, the more freedom we have to adapt to life’s demands. For instance, those who are better at tensing than releasing will eventually become rigid..
The greatest flexibility in behavior comes when we can shift fluidly between life’s poles, responding appropriately to each situation
However, most of us tend to gravitate toward one pole while resisting the other—or get stuck in the exhausting effort of trying to maintain constant balance. The aim is not balance itself but the dynamic act of balancing, which fosters adaptability.
Vincent looked at me with a hint of sadness and said:
“Well, it’s not all that bad. I’ve already started taking better care of myself and living healthier. I signed up for yoga two months ago. My wife said it might help me become calmer. At first, I thought it was ridiculous, but then I told myself I should take it seriously. Now I go five mornings a week before work, and afterward, I have a green smoothie – awful stuff. But I’m getting good at it; I can even do the advanced poses now. Honestly, though, I don’t feel much better.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” I said meaningfully.
“What? Why not?” Vincent asked, clearly taken aback.
“Well, it seems like you’re speeding down the fast lane even when doing yoga. You’re approaching it with the same intensity as everything else in your life. It’s like you’re trying to slow down while keeping one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. No wonder it’s stressful.”
Vincent grew thoughtful before admitting,
“You’re probably right. No matter what I do, I somehow always end up going full throttle.”
How We Deal with Pressure to Change
People who are deeply attached to one side of life’s polarities often adhere to rigid behavioral patterns. These patterns leave little room for flexibility in responding to situations. Often trying to solve problems using the same methods that created those problems in the first place.
This can be observed in nearly every office: There’s the colleague who constantly complains about being overworked, yet stays late every evening. They attempt to overcome their workload with even more work. Setting boundaries, prioritizing tasks, or even leaving the job aren’t options they consider.
Sometimes, however, individuals with such patterns manage to leverage them for outwardly impressive achievements.
For instance, a former alcoholic who transformed his addictive tendencies into a passion for extreme sports. Or similarly, Kobe Bryant discusses in his article, Obsession Is Natural, how his obsessive drive fueled his success.
For this reason, in any coaching session, it’s crucial that the coach doesn’t blindly follow the client’s stated goals. A coach must carefully evaluate the purpose behind a particular behavior. Is the obsession a free choice aimed at fulfilling a genuine need? Or is it part of a rigid internal pattern that leaves no room for freedom? If a coach fails to differentiate between these dynamics, they risk inadvertently helping the client optimize destructive behaviors.
People typically respond to pressure to change by trying to enhance their performance within their existing ways of functioning
When faced with such pressure, they tend to cling to behaviors that have proven effective in the past. While they may increase their efforts, they often avoid making any fundamental changes.
These dynamics are always rooted in an unconscious inner conflict. That’s why the client is either unaware of their behavior, or, if they are, they recognize how driven they feel but cannot understand or change it.
Vincent was already aware that he couldn’t act in line with his conscious desire to slow down. Meanwhile, I had picked up several clues – his hurried speech, sense of urgency, and driven demeanor – that pointed me in the direction where we might uncover a solution.
But what exactly was his inner conflict? What was stopping him from truly slowing down?
I decided to focus on these clues, hoping to unearth the missing piece of information that would help us:
“Always in the fast lane – what exactly drives you?”
“Hmm, I’m not sure. It’s just how I am. Last week, I tried to eat lunch in peace – no emails, no reading the newspaper – just eating quietly and slowly.”
“Interesting. How did that feel?”
“Awful! I felt restless and stupid just sitting there, taking forever to eat lunch,” Vincent replied. “It felt like a complete waste of time.”
“I see. What made you so restless?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I could have accomplished in that time instead of sitting there eating at a snail’s pace.”
“That sounds harsh and even a bit aggressive, the way you’re describing your thoughts and feelings,” I observed.
“Yes, it does,” Vincent admitted.
“‘A complete waste of time! Hurry up!’ – Does that sound familiar? Do you recognize it from somewhere?”
When clients use emotionally charged phrases, it catches my attention. Such expressions often point to a deeper context connected to the client’s current struggle. To uncover this context, the client must cultivate mindfulness, following these subtle trails to memories that may have long been forgotten.
Searching for a lost trail
That’s exactly what happened in this case:
“My father always said, ‘If you eat quickly, you work quickly.’ There were no breaks in my family – you always had to be doing something. Otherwise, you’d get scolded: ‘Why are you sitting around doing nothing? Don’t you have something to do?’ And then he’d give you a task on the spot.
He owned a carpentry business and was always working. Even on Christmas, he worked until five minutes before dinner. When I brought friends home, we had to be careful not to cross his path, or he’d assign them tasks, too.”
“No wonder you struggle to slow down today,” I summarized. “In your family, it sounds like you either got scolded for taking it easy or had to hide to avoid it.”
“And now I scold myself,” Vincent suddenly realized.
“Yes,” I replied, “but why do you still do it today, even though it doesn’t feel good for you? Even when it’s clearly necessary to slow down. Not even those few minutes at lunch – you still couldn’t do it.”
The Symptom Is the Solution
“The symptom is the solution.” – At first glance, this phrase may sound strange, but it’s a critical concept for facilitating lasting change in coaching. Instead of trying to eliminate a symptom at all costs, we must explore its underlying purpose.
A skilled coach pays close attention to the client’s words, emotions, and behaviors. Only by doing so can we understand why the client reacts in a certain way, even when it contradicts their conscious intentions. These reasons are almost always rooted in the unconscious. The very fact that we cannot consciously control such behaviors or reactions proves their unconscious origin.
The phrase “The symptom is the solution” originates from hypnotherapist Milton Erickson. He meant that the symptom was a solution to something that happened long ago. At the time, it was the best and most appropriate response to a certain situation. Because this solution proved so effective back then, it became ingrained and was carried forward. It is therefore the most familiar and, for the client, the best-known solution – like Vincent’s sense of urgency, his impatience, and constant need to stay in the fast lane. However, this solution no longer fits the challenges of today.
Identifying the root problem for which the client’s behavior was a solution isn’t as simple as asking them. The answer is buried in the unconscious, beyond their immediate awareness. Instead, I form hypotheses based on the wealth of verbal and nonverbal information the client provides – body language, facial expressions, tone, what they say, what they don’t say, and how they interact with me.
But simply explaining my hypothesis to the client won’t lead to change. Insight alone isn’t enough. Change happens when we connect with the unconscious. In my coaching practice, this involves mindful observation during a small experiment. I might ask the client to repeat a specific phrase I’ve crafted based on my hypothesis.
Vincent Confronts His Inner Conflict
I invited Vincent to sit comfortably and focus his attention inward.
Then I asked him to repeat a simple sentence:
“I don’t have to prove anything anymore.”
The sentences I use in such moments are always factual and universally true. In this mindful state, the client can observe their involuntary reactions – perhaps a pull in the stomach, an internal “No,” or a wave of sadness. These reactions often reveal the inner conflict I suspect. Because the sentence is delivered without context (What does proving mean? Proving to whom? Proving what?), it triggers an unconscious search, bringing relevant memories or emotions to the surface.
After Vincent repeated the sentence, I asked about his reaction.
“That’s not true,” he replied immediately. “Of course, I still have something to prove!”
The belief that one must prove something in life often stems from the Life Topic of “Not being satisfied” People with this theme work tirelessly but rarely feel adequately recognized. Even when recognition does come, they struggle to accept it, believing they don’t truly deserve it. Such individuals often come across as highly driven, always busy, yet unable to fully enjoy their accomplishments. They tend to downplay their achievements or feel they’re not good enough. This pattern frequently originates in a childhood environment where performance and grades were paramount, often accompanied by a strict and perpetually dissatisfied parent.
“What is it you want to prove?” I asked Vincent.
After a brief pause, he replied, “I want to prove that I’m capable. No one ever believed in me. My father always called me a lazy good-for-nothing. And my teachers said I was too dreamy and wouldn’t amount to anything.”
“So, you want to prove that your father and teachers were wrong – that you are capable.”
“Yes, that’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”
“No wonder you feel so driven and unable to enjoy your achievements,” I summarized.
“But let me ask you this: When will it finally be proven that you’re capable? When will you feel you’ve succeeded?”
This question is critical because it confronts the client with the realization that they’ve been running an endless race.
“Hah!” Vincent laughed bitterly. “If it’s up to my father – never! When my branch became the most successful in the firm, I proudly shared the news at a family dinner.”
“And how did he react?” I asked curiously.
“He said nothing. Instead, he launched into a rant about how all lawyers are overpriced bloodsuckers who take advantage of innocent people.”
“Phew, how did that make you feel?”
“That was the day I decided to start an MBA alongside my work,” Vincent admitted.
“Ah, so you pushed the pedal even harder, hoping your father might finally recognize your success – even though you know deep down that it will never happen.”
“Yes,” he said quietly, “now that you point it out, I see it. What a fool I’ve been. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me – just once.”
“Maybe it’s time you tell him that,” I suggested as our coaching session concluded.
Six Months Later: An Email from Vincent
He wrote that our session had deeply stirred him, and over the following weeks, he recalled countless moments where he had hoped for his father’s approval and been disappointed. Eventually, he mustered the courage to write his father a letter, sharing his feelings and his long-standing frustration. “It’s been two months now,” he wrote, “and I haven’t received a response. But that’s okay. I’ve finally realized that I don’t need to wait for my father anymore.” Vincent shared that he was planning his first-ever three-week vacation with his wife. “I’m excited but also unsure what to do with all that free time,” he admitted. “One thing’s for sure: I’m going to take it easy.”
All coaching stories are real but have been altered to ensure confidentiality
and prevent any identification of my clients.
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